Yes, it’s true. Say goodbye to all of those long, tedious hours of pouring one liquid into another liquid. No longer will you have to purchase a mixed drink at the bar like a respectable human being. No! Crystal Light for alcoholics has recently been approved for sale throughout the United States, allowing men, women, and poorly parented children alike to get a little classy with it and turn water into the adult beverage of their choosing. This powdered alcohol product, called Palcohol, has been approved in four varieties (vodka, rum, cosmopolitan, and margarita), and is set to be sold nationwide in the near future. Initially, the product was given the go-ahead in April 2014 by the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau, but this approval was immediately annulled based on several labeling errors and other minor issues. These issues have since been resolved, and now the only remaining issue is that this is seriously just not a good idea on any level ever. But of course, this is only my opinion, and I am in recovery for alcoholism. 2 years ago I surely would have been all for the product, bringing petitions door to door and holding a picket sign reading “I’ve Got The Powder! Legalize Palcohol!” outside of like, city hall.
Because Pouring Vodka into a Bottle of Gatorade is Too Difficult. Oh, You Don’t Mix Vodka and Gatorade? Um… Me Either.
As one might expect, the concept of powdered alcohol has been met with opposition on the behalf of many. Parents are concerned that their children will begin snorting powdered alcohol, and venue owners are concerned that Palcohol will negatively affect the sale of their $9.00 PBRs. The inventor of this innovative product vehemently negates these claims, arguing, “Listen, people can snort black pepper… so do we ban it?” Yes, this is a direct quote from the Palcohol website. If people were actually snorting black pepper, why would they not snort something that would actually make them drunk? If powdered alcohol is available for sale, millions of idiotic teenagers will inevitably put it in their noses. As far as sneaking the product into venues, the manufacturer completely disproves this assumption by confirming that, “A packet of Palcohol is 4” x 6” which is not easy to conceal.” Holy cow, six whole inches? Yes, that massive size will undeniably deter sneaky boozehounds from lining their pant legs with it before the “alcohol free” Kenny Loggins concert. The inventor also makes heated claims about prohibition and legislature and Abraham Lincoln. Well, if we’re going to take the historical route… liquid alcohol has been doing the trick for hundreds of years.
Finally – Alcohol That Misguided Teenagers Can Ingest Wrong
Okay, so why? What good reasons does the inventor of Palcohol have for making his product available on a national scale? Well, first of all, campers like to drink booze but hate carrying around bulky bottles. How many times have you gone camping and thrown your arms up in exasperation, crying out, “This giant bottle of alcohol is weighing me down!” Well now there is Palcohol – simply mix a packet of powdered alcohol into a dirty bucket full of creek water for a delicious moss-infused margarita. Hey, there’s a tadpole floating in my cosmopolitan. Fancy camping is the best camping. Additionally, airlines could begin serving Palcohol in-flight, greatly cutting down on the overall weight of the airplane, because mini-bottles of wine and Bailey’s are weighing our gosh darn planes down. Why fix something that isn’t broken? Because…. Palcohol!
Whether or not Palcohol begins being sold nationwide, alcohol-related issues will obviously continue to persist, and the distribution of such a product will do nothing to solve or address and problems that America as a whole truly struggles with. If someone wants to get drunk, they will get drunk, by powder or liquid, by land or by sea. And if that person gets drunk too often and needs alcoholism addiction treatment, Hope Center is here to help. Unlike Palcohol, The Hope Center for Rehabilitation is addressing real alcohol related issues – one client at a time. Call today.